“The foundation of a successful relationship is friendship.” That insight from the Gottman Institute has guided decades of research into what makes marriages work. For those couples who desire to build a relationship that will endure, having knowledge of the habits and signs that truly matter can bring success.
While every relationship has their low and high points, some habits have continually set the stage for deeper connection, strength, and joy. Drawing on research-based findings and insight from veteran therapists, here are the most compelling indicators and effective routines that point to a lasting marriage.
1. Accepting Influence and Practice Collaborative Communication
Couples who are open to being affected by each other i.e., listen, think, and adjust by each other’s feelings are far more likely to become happily married, relationship therapists John and Julie Gottman have discovered. San Francisco therapist Avigail Lev notes that in healthy marriages, both partners are “willing participants” who collaborate to get to solutions, not snarling blame games or withdrawal behaviors. This dynamic sidesteps resentment and makes each partner feel valued.
Clear communication is the bond in this case. Psychology Today states that learning how to employ active listening, collaborative language, and checking in with statements like, “What I hear you saying is…” builds empathy and understanding. Because active listening is cited as a key to successful communication, both parties can be heard, and therefore conflict can be easier to resolve and the relationship can grow stronger.
2. Shared Values and Creating a Life of Purpose Together
Knowing your own values and seeing them reflected in your relationship is the basis of a good relationship. Lev recommends that couples make a list of their top values and rank them in order, then honestly assess to what degree both partners live them. This exercise can bring them together or reveal areas for change.
But it’s not all about value alignment on paper. A study by the Gottman Institute found that shared meaning from similar hobbies to family traditions cement connection. A couple who takes the time to create a shared world, whether through a weekly hike day or weird ritual, is less likely to drift apart, says LMV Counseling. The more time couples spend fostering this shared meaning, the more their relationship will be strengthened.
3. Maintaining Individuality and Nurturing Friendship
A good marriage isn’t about merging into a single undifferentiated whole. Lev warns that too much enmeshment siphons off passion and respect. Instead, healthy couples respect each other’s independence maintaining their own friendships, hobbies, and values.
Mark Travers, PhD, queries, “Would you still be friends if you weren’t a couple?” This point illustrates the importance of liking and respecting each other. Couples who are friends at heart weather storms better and enjoy a more rich, playful relationship.
4.Taking Time-Outs During Conflict The Secret Weapon
When emotions run high, it’s easy to say things that linger long after the argument ends. Lev emphasizes the importance of recognizing when you’re triggered and calling a timeout. This isn’t avoidance it’s a strategic pause to let both partners cool down and regain perspective.
Healthy timeout, relationship therapists say, is clear talk (“I need 20 minutes alone”), a specified time frame, and a commitment to return and talk. Use the break for relaxing activities not to build your case. When you return, bring a fresh calm and curiosity to the conversation. In O2 Counseling’s terms, “A well-used time out is not a barrier, but a bridge back to a stronger, more connected relationship.”
5. Gratitude and Having a Good Ratio
The “magic relationship ratio” of five positive interactions to one negative directly comes from the Gottmans’ studies. Lev advises, “For every criticism, you should give five compliments.” This is not being insincere, but intentionally noticing your partner’s efforts, quirks, and development.
Gratitude is as simple as a hug, thank you, or noticing a slight change. Research has established that gratitude enhances responsiveness perceptions and fosters stronger communal relationships. The continuous influx of appreciation keeps the relationship intact and strong even during adversity.
6. Turning Toward Each Other’s Bids for Connection
Healthy couples don’t just coexist with each other they reach out and connect with each other’s small bids for attention, affection, or support. As LMV Counseling describes, these can be as small as a leg touch after work or as harmless as exchanging a good joke. The idea is to “turn toward” these bids, so they respond and validate them.
When partners consistently respond to each other’s bids for connection, trust and emotional safety are built. This is the basis for weathering bigger storms.
7. Open, Honest, and Assertive Communication
Transparency is non-negotiable in intense love. Open communication involves being honest and expressing feelings and thoughts in a straightforward manner, utilizing “I” statements, and avoiding blame. Conversational assertiveness expressing needs while respecting your partner’s perspective stimulates understanding and reduces defensiveness.
Conflict resolution in a constructive manner, as Positive Psychology has demonstrated, is about empathy, problem-solving, and a willingness to listen to both perspectives. This turns conflicts into battlefields into learning opportunities.
8. Accepting Imperfections and Respecting Differences
No human being is perfect, and requiring your lover to change is a recipe for disappointment. Travers suggests that couples ask themselves, “If you knew your partner would never change, would you still want to be with them?” Accepting each other’s flaws and quirks with appropriate boundaries in place fosters an atmosphere of safety and unconditional love.
Releasing perfectionism and empathetic practice, as suggested by National University, makes couples place small annoyances into perspective and focus on what truly matters.
9. Commemorating the Relationship and Mutual Successes
Good couples don’t just weather the storms they commemorate the good ones. Celebrating anniversaries, fantasizing about the future, or simply breaking the good news first can be among these habits that solidify the relevance of the relationship.
Psychologists refer to this as “capitalization,” and it’s an especially strong builder of friendship and happiness. If your partner is your default to share wins with, it’s a sign of high trust and investment in each other’s happiness.
At the heart of every successful marriage is a mix of friendship, gratitude, effective boundaries, and open communication. These habits backed by research aren’t mystical principles these are effective, doable, and studie to time behaviors that can fortify couples in the long run. No couple is perfect, but focusing on these indicators and techniques can make every day moments become blocks for a strong, contented marriage.
