What if the comforting words are the very things that drive a loved one farther away? When a person walks away from his/her faith, it’s not merely a spiritual change it’s a ripple effect through relationships, identity, and even everyday routines. For family and friends, it can be difficult to know what to do, or even how not to do, in those vulnerable times. But here’s the good news: there are ways to keep your bond strong, even when beliefs diverge.
This guide deconstructs the most prevalent mistakes and, more importantly, the real, practical methods that build connection, trust, and respect. Whether you’re stuck for words or anxious about getting it wrong, these evidence-driven observations will enable you to show up with empathy and authenticity. Prepare yourself to find out what truly works when someone you care about is experiencing a faith transition.
1. Don’t Brush Their Experience Off as ‘Just a Phase’
Dismissing a loved one’s religious conversion as a phase can be invalidating. Most individuals who depart from their religion have grappled with questions, uncertainties, and personal beliefs for years. Labeling it a phase wipes out the intensity of their experience and the strength required to make such a decision. According to Dr. Julie de Azevedo Hanks, “I know you didn’t make this decision lightly” is a much more affirming stance.
Rather, create space for authentic dialogue. Ask, “What has this journey been like for you?” and listen truly listen. This little adjustment from judgment to curiosity can be a strong link, demonstrating to your loved one that their narrative is significant and that you have respect for their journey.
2. Don’t Predict Regret or Doomsday
Informing a person they will regret abandoning their faith, or that their life will collapse, is not only unhelpful it can be seriously damaging. Most people who deconvert do so after serious consideration, rather than on impulse. Many feel more genuine and at peace once they’ve made the decision.
Rather than predicting regret or loss, attempt to say something supportive: “I want you to be happy,” or “I trust you to do what’s best for you.” These phrases express their autonomy and demonstrate that your support is not predicated on agreed-upon beliefs.
3. Lead With Empathy, Not Preaching
It’s tempting to slip into teaching or preaching mode when someone leaves a faith tradition, especially if you’re worried about their well-being. But as Dr. Hanks explains, “teaching, preaching, and witnessing. will most likely be perceived as judgmental, condescending, unloving, disrespectful and rejecting.” Instead, prioritize empathy and understanding.
Take a page from the suggestion in InterVarsity’s guide: “Empathy is especially important in contexts where there has been spiritual, emotional, or physical abuse.” Empathy starts with being an active listener, asking open-ended questions, and validating the hurt or confusion your loved one may experience.
4. Affirm the Relationship No Strings Attached
To leave a faith community can be isolating, particularly if relationships are put into question all of a sudden. That’s why it’s important to make your loved one realize that your bond isn’t dependent on conditions. Quoting “You will always have a place here, no matter what” or “My love for you is constant and unconditional” can be a lifeline.
Affirming the connection involves emphasizing what you share history, values, laughter, memories over what now separates you. This keeps trust intact and leaves the door open for honest communication, even in times of high emotion.
5. Show Respect for Their Agency and Boundaries
One of the most liberating things you can do is to respect your loved one’s right to choose their own spiritual journey. Personal agency is a core belief in many faiths, and it’s just as vital when someone chooses to back away.
Establish and respect boundaries around faith discussions. If some topics are too sensitive or controversial, commit to talking about areas of common interest or just hanging out together. As the Family Therapy Clinic recommends, “Clearly communicate your boundaries regarding discussions about faith, ensuring that both you and your family members feel comfortable and respected.”
6. Emphasize Common Ground and Shared Values
Faith transitions do not delete the love, history, or values shared by someone. Actually, spotlighting what you have in common such as kindness, compassion, or family traditions can assist in maintaining strong relationships. The Family Therapy Clinic suggests, “Identify shared values and interests that extend beyond religious beliefs. Focusing on common ground can help strengthen family bonds and redirect the focus away from differences.”
Experiment with new activities together or return to old routines that don’t rely on religious affiliation. This not only keeps people connected but also reminds them all that love is not bound by belief.
7. Listen Without Judgment or Agenda
Listening is more than waiting for your turn to talk it’s living fully in the present and without agenda. When a friend or loved one explains why they are departing from their faith, avoid the need to argue or save. As the FRC’s guide points out, “Your job in these conversations is not to be right, win a debate, or convince your friend to change their mind. Instead, your job is to seek to understand how they came to their conclusions.”
This sort of “deep listening” increases trust and demonstrates you respect their viewpoint, even if you do not agree with it.
8. Don’t Pathologize or Shame Their Choice
It’s tempting to use language that constructs departing from faith as a weakness, a misunderstanding, or even an act of rebellion. Yet research indicates that deconverts tend to be highly open to experience and highly desirous of personal growth. Shaming or pathologizing their choice serves only to widen the gap.
Instead, recognize their integrity and strength. “I respect your integrity and your strength” is a strong statement that can be used to heal wounds and create mutual respect.
9. Provide Support But Don’t Push
Ask your loved one what type of support they require today, and be prepared to take their cue. Sometimes the greatest gift you can give is to show up no conditions attached. Dr. Hanks recommends, “What can I do to support you right now?” as a soft, open-ended question.
If they need to talk, listen. If they need space, give it to them. This way, you respect their independence and demonstrate that your concern is not based on them accepting what you accept.
10. Seek Support for Yourself, Too
Faith transitions aren’t only hard on the person who’s leaving them, either they can make the people around them feel grief, confusion, or even anger. It’s alright to consider your own emotions and to get help. The Family Therapy Clinic recommends getting a support group outside of immediate family, with friends, in support groups, or a therapist.
Self-care of your emotional health makes it simple to present yourself with kindness and patience, particularly when the conversation becomes challenging.
11. Acknowledge Their Growth and Authenticity
Leaving a religion may be a path toward increased authenticity and self-understanding. Research indicates that most deconverts cite feeling more free and in tune with who they are after doing so (research). Acknowledge and celebrate the good changes you observe whether it’s a boost of confidence, curiosity, or strength.
Showing openness to their transformation can demolish myths and reinforce your relationship, demonstrating love and respect above belief.
12. Keep the Door Open for Future Conversations
Faith journeys are rarely linear, and beliefs can shift over time. Let your loved one know that you’re always open to talking about faith, doubt, or anything in between without pressure or agenda. As one expert wisely puts it, “We all have our own unique paths.”
This constant openness is a blessing, indicating that your relationship is safe space for honesty, vulnerability, and development wherever the journey may take you.
Altering a loved one’s faith isn’t about saying the right words it’s about being present with empathy, respect, and an open heart. By keeping empathy front and center, respecting boundaries, and celebrating authenticity, you can create a relationship that’s strong and deep, even when beliefs contradict. The greatest lesson? Love and connection don’t require agreement they flourish on understanding and acceptance.
