“Breaking up is like withdrawal from any drug of addiction,” neuroscientist Lucy Brown told CNN, and if you’ve ever found yourself in a cycle of post-breakup despair, you know first-hand how true that is. Breakups are capable of making even the toughest among us prey to a cycle of what ifs, social media stalking, and sleepless rambling. Fact: It’s not only normal it’s basically hardwired into our brains to obsess about an ex.
But here’s the good news: science, therapists, and real life all agree though you can’t always avoid the initial heartache, you can certainly end the cycle of obsession. It’s all about being aware of what is happening in your own head, teaching yourself new habits, and giving yourself permission to heal through the pain. Ready to clear out mental baggage and be open to something new? These are 11 actionable, expert-approved steps to end obsessing about your ex and reclaim yourself.
1. Know Why Obsession Happens
You aren’t weak or broken for obsessing about your ex. This experience, psychologist Albert Wakin says, “is a combination of an obsessive-compulsive response and an addiction to the person” (CNN). When the relationship is over, your brain’s reward circuits, those very same ones that are activated by chocolate or a runner’s high, are in withdrawal. That’s why you can become fixated on rehashing memories or imagining reunions, even though you know that it’s done. Knowing that your brain is wired this way may be able to help you approach your healing with more kindness and less shame.
2. Recognize and Accept Your Feelings
Suppressing your feelings just makes them stronger. Instead, allow yourself to grieve. As intimacy coach Molly Godfrey describes, “Letting go is a journey, not a destination” (Mamamia). Allow yourself to feel sad, mad, or even nostalgic. This is a healthy part of recovery, and as therapists define, “allowing yourself to fully experience and express these emotions is an important part of the healing process” (Counselling Centre Group). The trick is to navigate through these emotions, not get trapped in them.
3. Set Boundaries Online and Offline
Out of sight, out of mind isn’t simply a saying, it’s a science-proven technique. Repeatedly checking your ex on social media or texting them for news only feeds the fixation. Relationship coach Christiana Njoku says, “Setting clear boundaries is key in dealing with an ex.” It is a zone of no contact with your ex after a breakup.” Unfollow, mute, or block if you need to. Delete old photos and messages. The less you see, the less you’ll obsess. Remember, boundaries are not about petty behaviour they’re about protecting your peace.
4. Practice Mindfulness and Cognitive Restructuring
When your thinking starts to spin, mindfulness can be your lifeline. Try out grounding techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or even picturing a large red stop sign when you find yourself perseverating (PsychCentral). Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) exercises like writing down your thoughts, challenging negative thoughts, or making a pie chart of blame can help you argue against the idea that the breakup was totally your fault orthat you’ll never love again. “Journaling makes individuals let go of thoughts and feelings in a healthy way and makes them notice their emotions,” says therapist Weill. Mindset tweaks are little yet enormous in terms of differences in how you feel.
5. Reclaim Your Routine and Craft Healthy Diversions
Obsession thrives when it is left to feed on a vacuum. The longer you spend alone with your thoughts, the harder it is to break free. That’s why experts recommend filling up your schedule with activities that bring you joy or a sense of productivity be it going to the gym, walking, or learning something new (Counseling Center Group). Reconnect with family and friends. Try doing something new. The goal is not to push away your feelings, but to remind yourself that there are still open doors in life outside your previous relationship.
6. Interrupt the Fantasy Recall Why You Broke Up
It’s easy to place your ex on a pedestal and idealize the relationship, especially when you’re hurting. But nostalgia chooses. “You’re only remembering the good times in the relationship, but there’s a reason that you broke up” because breakup reminders instruct us. Write down the reasons you broke up and the ways in which the relationship didn’t function for you. This reality check will have you get back in reality and resist the urge to reach out or fall into old routines.
7. Shatter the Reward Loop
Every time you sift through old messages, scroll through their timeline, or daydream about reuniting, you’re reinforcing your brain’s reward circuit. Neuroscientist Helen Fisher found that “each reminder of the thing you desire activates the brain’s reward loop: a craving, followed by the urge to fulfill it” (CNN). Break the cycle by redirect your attention elsewhere call a friend, do a few laps, or dive into a task. The cravings will dissipate over time as your brain reprograms for new sensations.
8. Practice Self-Compassion and Forgiveness
Obsession has a side of guilt or shame that comes with it, perhaps for how it ended, or for how long you were stuck. But as Molly Godfrey explains, “I learned to love myself for my mistakes and learning, my becoming. It was a process of loving him more, loving myself more, and appreciating what was.” (Mamamia). Treat yourself kindly. Healing doesn’t go in a straight line, and you can’t “mess up” a breakup. Forgiving yourself is a powerful step toward healing.
9. Seek Professional Assistance When You Need It
If you have too much in your mind or notice symptoms of obsessive disorder like compulsive checking, being unable to release, or intrusive behaviors don’t hesitate to seek help. Therapy can give you new skills, new insights, and the support you need to break the cycle (Marriage.com). As a therapist puts it, “Having an outside perspective is incredibly valuable but mostly, just be kind to yourself, the science of breakups is real.”
10. Accept That Letting Go Is a Process
Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting your ex or erasing your history. Letting go involves accepting what happened and keeping yourself open to what’s next. “Even now, while I’m falling in love with someone new, the love I feel for my ex has not vanished.” I guess I did think so, but it’s truly transformed in a beautiful way,” Molly Godfrey says (Mamamia). Growth arises from becoming vulnerable to feeling, to learning, and ultimately, to loving again your way.
11. Stay Open to New Connections and Possibilities
Obsession holds you captive in the past, yet healing calls you into the future. As you navigate the hurts, remain open to new friendships, interests, and maybe even love. Keep in mind, “we’re meant to have multiple deep connections in our life,” therapists tell us. The closing of one chapter is the opening of another one that you get to write, one day at a time. Freedom from obsession isn’t about flipping a switch or playing by a perfect script, it’s about showing up for yourself, over and over again, with kindness and truth. Every step you take, no matter how small, is one step closer to your regained peace and an invitation to new delights. Obsession may be strong, but your ability to heal and grow is stronger. Trust that and let the next page turn.
