“Trust is built in tiny moments,” says world-famous relationship coach Dr. John Gottman. For someone who’s been wounded in the past, though, those moments equate to trying to walk barefoot uphill. When you’re with someone who’s having a hard time trusting you, you know how difficult it is to penetrate those walls.”
Trust problems don’t just manifest themselves overnight out of thin air usually, they’re based on past hurts, past betrayals, or even childhood pain. And the bright side? With the right attitude, time, and some strategies that experts say work, you can guide your loved one back into trust rapport. Here’s what you do (and know) to assist someone who has trust problems, without your heart shattering in the process.
1. Identify Where Trust Issues Originated
Trust issues are not typically about you most times, they are a reliving of pain. Negative experiences such as parental divorce, infidelity, or even a miserable breakup have, studies have shown, been proven to leave deep scars that make further trusting risky. Attachment patterns play a part here too: insecurely attached or avoidant individuals might have a harder time trusting since they fear rejection or aren’t comfortable with intimacy (trust is established through the various steps of dating, flirting, marriage, and proposal). You’re not excuse-making to be understanding and compassionate as your loved one navigates their fears.
2. Ask How You Can Help (and Listen)
Two people’s trust experience is never alike. What works for one? Simply ask them how you can help. Maybe it is time, reassurance, or someone who will not judge their bewilderment. That is what therapists suggest as a way to make your loved one feel heard and respected and not pushed aside. As one expert states, “open communication is the key.” Talking through your trust issues can create empathy and enable the two of you to collaborate on establishing trust in the long term” (open communication is the solution).
3. Demonstrate Trustworthiness Through Reliability
Polite words are fine, but actions speak volumes for someone who cannot be trusted. Arriving on time when you promise to, fulfilling your commitments, and speaking the truth about details even opens the doors to trust. Authorities affirm: “Trust is not created by grand gestures. It is gradually created by small, repeated behaviors that show ability, integrity, and benevolence” (Trust is not created by grand gestures). When you mess up, acknowledge it and apologize authenticity repairs a whole lot more than lawlessness.
4. Honor THEIR Triggers and Emotional Boundaries
Individuals with trust issues possess specific triggers words, events, or anything that remind them of their hurt. They must be respected and listened to. “Everybody has emotional triggers, sensitive areas which can produce heightened emotional responses based on past experience,” a marriage counselor reminds us. Rather than writing off their response, respect their feelings and avoid behaviors that would cause them to feel judged or threatened. This is where safety is created, the foundation of trust.
5. Empathic and Open Communication
Passionate, open, and empathetic communication is a complete game-changer. Instead of trying to “fix” their trust issues, hear them out and learn from them. Relationship therapists point out that “empathy is central to establishing genuine trust” (empathy is central to establishing genuine trust). If your partner mentions something that they fear or question, don’t defend yourself or minimize their emotions. Instead, acknowledge their pain and let them know you’re there for them, no matter how long it takes.
6. Accept That Healing Takes Time (and Don’t Take It Personally)
Trust comes slowly, especially if someone’s been wounded previously. It’s simple enough to get angry or to take their hesitation as a personal offense, but hold on to this fact to remind them: “It takes a long time for people to trust others especially if they have been burned many times in the past” (It takes a long time for people to trust others). Your constancy and determination are strength weapons. Let them lead the way, keeping in mind that their struggle is not a sign of your value or effort.
7. Don’t Be Hidden Be Honest
Even little secrets are flags for a human with no trust. Honesty regarding your plans, intentions, and feelings decreases their fearfulness. Extremes of secrecy always lead down the path of relationship trust issues, even with people who do not have trust issues (Extremes of secrecy always lead down the path of relationship trust issues). Openness is not oversharing it’s creating a space where honesty feels safe and expected.
8. Establish the Role of Attachment Styles
Attachment theory is not a buzzword it’s a map to understanding trust. The anxious attachment individual will insist on reassurance but be afraid of abandonment, and the avoidant ones can be aloof even when they have to be close (Those with anxious attachment styles feel insecure in their relationships). Knowledge of your loved one’s attachment style (and yours!) will both of you be better equipped to work with triggers, and misunderstanding, with kindness.
9. Be on Guard Against Jealousy and Control
Low trust can fuel jealousy and even controlling behavior, particularly in the anxious personality types. Research has indicated that “distrust is associated with more cognitive jealousy, particularly among less secure individuals in relationships” (distrust is linked with more cognitive jealousy). When you observe snooping, incessant questioning, or overreactions, view these as indicators of hurt not attacks on you. Set clear boundaries and encourage open communication regarding what is fueling these feelings.
10. Ensure Professional Intervention if Necessary
Love and patience might not be enough, particularly when it concerns trauma or entrenched behaviors. It is a blessing to have your loved one with a therapist. Good therapies such as Schema Therapy, CBT, and Emotion-Focused Therapy can work on the very core of the issue and practice new relationship patterns (Good therapies for trust issues are Schema Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), and Emotion-Focused Therapy.) Therapy isn’t weakness it is an act of self-love.
11. Celebrate Small Wins and Progress
Mending trust takes work. Mark the small wins such as when your partner talks about a fear, or you take a small risk in the relationship. These are not insignificant. As you start to build trust, you will notice it: ease with one another, more laughter, and more understanding. Trust is actually created in the everyday, where both of you are committing to showing up.
12. Practice Self-Care and Set Boundaries
It’s exhausting to be caring for a person with trust issues. Don’t forget to take care of yourself as well. Establish good boundaries, trust friends or a therapist, and keep in mind you can’t “save” them you can only walk with them along the way. Your emotional health is just as important as theirs.
13. Know When to Step Back
Occasionally, no matter how hard you try, your loved one just isn’t going to be ready to heal or trust. If their problems are hurting them or the relationship is failing, standing back is fine. As one relationship coach espouses sage advice, “letting them go to figure it out on their own may be what they need” (letting them go to figure it out on their own may be what they need). Trust is two-way and both deserving of safety and respect.
Having issues of trust to overcome isn’t easy, but it’s one of the biggest gifts you can share. By showing up in open-hearted compassion, patience, and ongoing care, you offer the safe haven where they can heal. And although you can’t erase the past, you can assist in writing a new beginning where trust, connection, and hope are the guiding lights on the path.
