Suppose the ache of isolation you endured as a child was not caused by you but simply the outward display of your mother’s inner conflict with mothering. Most adults are surprised to discover that feeling invisible or emotionally overlooked by one parent is much more common than any of us ever want to own up to. But the reverberations of having a mother who secretly hated being a mother rumble through all of adulthood, affecting self-esteem, relationships, and even happiness.
And now, the discussion of emotionally unavailable or resistant mothers is finally. Listening to the not-so-subtle (and sometimes subtle) signals of emotional abandonment is where it begins to break the cycle and create a life of real connection and self-acceptance. This is what to listen for and how to begin the healing.
1. Chronic Loneliness, Even When She Was There
Having a physically absent but emotionally unresponsive mother can result in an individual having a deep experience of loneliness that persists well into adulthood. As Susan Forward, author of “Mothers Who Can’t Love,” so aptly puts it, “There’s a shame around [being unloved by your mother], like there’s something wrong with you.” That creeping sense of being ignored or made invisible is not about your value it’s probably a moment in time in your parent’s own problems, like insecurity, chronic stress, or mental illness.
The emotional starvation produced by this dynamic can subsequently appear as a failure to create close relationships as an adult, an on-going feeling of deficit, or a need to find continual approval-seeking. As the work of Dr. Zeyen Biringen suggests, children of parents who are emotionally unavailable are likely to “feel confused, rejected, and starved for love and connection” (Therapy Central). The better news? Recognizing this pattern is the start of bridging that gap with positive, two-way relationships.
2. Your Feelings Were Downplayed or Demonized
If you were raised being informed that you were “too sensitive” or spanked for becoming angry or upset, you’re not alone. Many mothers who had poor emotional intelligence themselves are shutting down and shaming children’s feelings and, in the process, teaching children to shut down their true selves. Such people become people-pleasers, never feeling vulnerable or real about what they want.
A 2007 publication quotes that vulnerability and self-esteem are formed in early years, and not being able to fulfill emotional needs can give rise to an insecurity pattern for life (Verywell Mind).
Therapist Daniel Rinaldi illustrates, “Emotional neglect is a type of trauma because it can have lasting and intense impacts on an individual’s psychological and emotional health.” Healing starts by permitting yourself to feel and that your feelings exist despite what you learned.
3. She Didn’t Care About Your Interests or Identity
To most mothers, a child seems to come at the cost of losing her. But whenever that tension does manage to build into bitterness, it may occasionally take the form of indifference to her child’s desires or interests. If your mother never asked you about your hobby, stifled your imagination, or didn’t support your self-discovery, you might have learned the lesson that your interest does not matter.
This emotional passion has been found to divert attention away from providing poor advice or grappling with having a good sense of self in the future (PsychCentral).
To Lindsay C. Gibson, author of “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents,” “Without a secure foundation of parental approval and reflection, these individuals might sense as imperfect or unlike others.”
Regaining your adult self means experimenting with your interests however irrelevant and getting the skill of embracing your uniqueness.
4. Crossing Boundaries and Disrespect
Did your mother consistently cross your boundaries, violate your privacy, or make you an emotional caretaker to her? This is a trait of emotionally immature parents. Rather than treating you with adequate respect, these mothers may have guilt-tripped, controlled, or manipulated you for maintaining home in shape so that you were in a constantly vigilant and watchful state.
Dr. Lindsay Gibson reminds us that “prioritizing others’ needs is hand-in-hand with lacking personal boundaries” (Attachment Project). You might find it difficult to set boundaries with yourself in your own relationship or be embarrassed to put number one first as an adult. It’s a habit to get into getting to know and setting your boundaries as an act of self-care and don’t worry, there’s no deadline.
5. Withholding Affection and Praise
If you had only ever been approved of and loved when you’d achieved or met some required standards, you may have come to believe that your worth was tied to performance. This kind of performance-based nur-turing can lead you to fear being a burden to others for the rest of your life and intimate relationships to feel stressful or un-safe.
A Child Development study recognized that “close relationships are likely to be seen as causes of stress, not as a source of support, and so individuals are likely to avoid them altogether [in adulthood] or become somewhat distant relationships that are withdrawal.” (Verywell Mind) Re-wiring a thought pattern like this starts with self-compassion and creating relationships where love is never conditional.
6. Low Self-Esteem and Self-Doubt
The worst of the harm that can be caused by a mother who is either emotionally unavailable or persistently angry is the long-term damage to self esteem. If you were constantly put down, compared, or regularly told that you were not “good enough,” then those messages are your internal critic. Adult children of emotionally immature parents will grow up to be chronic self doubters, perfectionists, and fear failure.
But here’s the inspiring reality: “You are of incomprehensible value. It doesn’t matter how you were treated, what you’ve accomplished, or the steps you’ve taken in life,” reminds the Attachment Project. Constructing self worth as an adult involves breaking those old assumptions and being around others who can see your value.
7. Have a Difficulty with Processing and Regulating Emotions
When emotional needs are denied or punished in childhood, most adults learn to deny or disown all feelings. Being numb emotionally, being unsure of what you feel, or destroying relationships because you fear being rejected are some of the outcomes.
Therapist Aurisha Smolarski explains, “They may withdraw or back away from their friends or social groups because they feel different and because they’re afraid of being asked to talk about feelings.” Recovery can be achieved by getting in touch with your feelings by mindfulness, writing, or painting and realizing that it is strength, not weakness, to be vulnerable.
8. Difficulty With Trust And Intimacy
Emotional neglect isn’t limited to the relationship with mom it can become the way you communicate with everyone else. Adults whose parents were emotionally unavailable may have trouble trusting others, being close to others, or feeling that they are worthy of being loved. There will be times it will be safer to keep people at arm’s length or be the “caretaker” in all relationships and always give but never receive.
Attachment theory tells us that emotional insecurity in childhood can manifest in adult anxious or avoidant attachment styles (Therapy Central). The solution? Establishing attachment with emotionally available others, finding vulnerability in small doses, and remembering that trust is withdrawable, relationship by relationship.
9. Healing: Setting Boundaries, Self-Care, and Reparenting
The greatest takeaway? You will and can heal, however long you’ve been around stomping with these injuries. What the professionals recommend is a mix of self care, boundary setting, and “parenting” learning the skills to give yourself the validation and babying that you didn’t receive as a child.
Give these a try: stand up to your mom (or whoever is draining you), claim your needs without shame, and practice self soothing behaviors such as meditation or journaling.
Therapy can be transformative, and a secure place to recover from past wounds and learn new skills.
As Dr. Lindsay Gibson will tell you, “Your experiences as a child do not represent your worth as an adult.” The journey is not always smooth, but every step in the direction of loving and accepting yourself is a step towards liberty. Identifying the warning signs of emotional neglect or an emotionally unavailable mother is not blaming the past, it’s being honest and kind to yourself. Don’t forget, it is possible to heal. Healing is not an event, it’s a process and with each effort at setting boundaries, parent-your-inner-child, and learning how to create healthy relationships, you are becoming stronger in good self love. You are worthy of being seen, respected, and connected and it is never too late to start writing your new story.
