Can we avoid the pitfalls that derail so many marriages? If you’ve ever questioned whether long-term love is mere chance or the product of actual, applicable habits, you’re not alone. Divorce numbers might be high, but the experience of those who’ve been there and the newest science prove that thriving relationships are made, not born.
Couples and individuals in committed relationships are looking for advice that really works, not recycled clichés. The good news? The most impactful lessons tend to come from people who’ve survived the storms and know what not to do. From expert-backed solutions to science-backed hacks, here are the marriage tips divorced people wish they’d heeded, along with a few science-supported hacks to maintain your connection.
1. Never Stop Courting. Seriously, Keep Dating Each Other
Surprise, surprise. The key to keeping romance alive might not be rocket science, after all it’s work. Gerald Rogers, after 16 years of marriage, penned the following: “Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted.” When you proposed to her, you swore to be that man who would OWN HER HEART and guard it fiercely. He refers to this as the most valuable and most sacred asset you’ll ever be given. That is spontaneous plans, little things, and making your partner feel special chosen years into. This isn’t a matter of grand gestures; it’s about never allowing the daily routine to dull your admiration for one another.
There is research to support this: the happiest couples always make positive interaction and shared experience a priority, keeping the flame burning through frequent, conscious connection (Gottman’s research).
2. Communication: The Real MVP of Marriage
If you believe your partner simply ought to know’ what you require, think twice. Open, honest, and frequent communication is what keeps relationships intact. Divorced women and men alike underscore the risk of believing your partner is a mind reader. Rather, give hints, communicate expectations, and when problems arise articulate your emotions with tact and precision.
The Gottman Method prioritizes speaker-listener skills to increase positive feeling and problem-solving. Couples trained in these skills experience lasting gains in intimacy and satisfaction. As one study put it, “Effective relationship [skills] have the ability to reach mutual approval and listen to their spouse’s needs and respond to them non-defensively.”
3. Give Each Other Space And Grow Together
Closeness is wonderful, but too much togetherness is a recipe for disaster. Both men and women who have been divorced confirm: giving your partner space for their own hobbies, friendships, and personal time isn’t healthy it’s vital. Gerald Rogers encourages, “Give her space Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing.”
This is not poetic counsel; it’s doable. Research indicates that couples who honour one another’s independence needs are more likely to enjoy deeper intimacy and increased appreciation. The secret? To balance togetherness and the liberty to be oneself.
4. Don’t Play the Blame Game: Own Your Emotions
When trouble comes, it’s easy to lay blame. But as those who have learned the hard way know, blame is a quick path to bitterness. Gerald Rogers maintains that, Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility.
Modern couple therapy concurs: working on your own response, not your partner’s deficits, is a turnabout. Therapists now train couples to identify their emotional triggers and express them without blaming (new therapy trends). This not only lowers conflict but also establishes trust and vulnerability two ingredients every enduring marriage requires.
5. Invest in Couples Therapy Early and Often
Those are yesterday’s days when therapy was reserved for couples on the verge. Now it’s a preemptive measure to create a strong, joyous marriage. Whether your issues are communication breakdowns, trust, or simply wanting to connect on a deeper level, therapy is a non-judgmental place to learn and shatter old habits.
As recent evidence makes clear, “Couples therapy is an opportunity to reconnect, communicate more effectively, and resolve problems before they become bigger issues.” And the payoffs aren’t reserved for crisis mode: couples who take therapy even when everything is fine report increased happiness and fewer divorces (premarital counseling can reduce divorce by as much as 50%).
And with telehealth and online therapy now more accessible than ever, there’s no reason not to seek professional guidance focused on your own special relationship.
6. Prioritize Intimacy, Physical and Emotional
It’s simple to let closeness erode when life gets hectic, but marriage closeness is a stronger shield against tension and conflict. Intimacy is not all about sex it’s about having experiences, feelings, and affection together. As one professional points out, “True intimacy with a spouse takes time, effort, vulnerability, and sacrifice.”
Barriers such as busyness, selfishness, and past hurts can stand in the way, but the reward for working through them is tremendous. Couples who both feel emotionally and physically connected report increased satisfaction and strength of resilience when challenges arise. The good news? Intimacy can be developed at any point begin small, remain inquisitive, and schedule time for one another.
7. Forgive Quickly and Look to the Future
Refusing to let go of grudges is a guaranteed means of destroying trust and intimacy. Divorced couples always report that learning how to forgive sincerely and in a timely manner might have salvaged their marriage. Gerald Rogers summarizes it nicely: “Forgive immediately and look toward the future instead of burdening yourself with the past. Don’t let your past hold you hostage.”
Therapists reiterate this guidance, observing that forgiven couples recover from fights more quickly and have healthier relationships. The moral? Don’t let yesterday’s regrets rob tomorrow of its joy.
The most enduring marriages aren’t perfect they’re built on small, consistent choices that nurture connection, respect, and growth. Whether you’re newlywed or decades in, these lessons from divorced partners and relationship experts prove that love is less about luck and more about daily, intentional effort. The best time to invest in your relationship is always now and the benefits will last a lifetime.
