What if the greatest obstacle holding you back isn’t time, money, or opportunity but regret? Hospice nurses, those very few who are present at our last moments, hear secrets that get straight to the heart of what really matters. Their accounts aren’t about dying they’re about living life to the fullest, in the present moment.
For caregiving adults and caregivers, these near-death revelations are more than cautionary tales. They’re blueprints for a life with fewer regrets and more meaning. Based on decades of bedside wisdom and compelling stories, here are the most telling lessons from those who’ve looked back on their lives and what they wish they’d done differently.
1. Not Living True to Yourself
On numberless deathbeds, a single regret rings out more than any other: not having the guts to live truly. Individuals will own up to having spent years or even decades pursuing somebody else’s definition of success, perhaps a career selected to make parents happy or a lifestyle taken on to belong. Bronnie Ware, a palliative care nurse, heard this time and again: “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”
When dreams are not pursued, the wake-up call is too late to realize that freedom and health are valuable and ephemeral. Lesson? Keeping even a few of your dreams alive is better than zero. If you’re holding out for the ideal time, remember: you can’t reclaim time.
2. Working Too Hard and Missing Life’s Moments
For too many, particularly men of earlier generations, the work treadmill became a trap. Hospice nurses say their patients often express regret at having worked so hard, having missed milestones in their children’s lives and the companionship of their partners.
Simplifying and making intentional decisions regarding work and time can create space for what really matters. As one nurse points out, “They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship.” The takeaway? Don’t let work steal the moments you’ll regret not having. Prioritize connection and presence over constant productivity.
3. Not Expressing Feelings and Developing Relationships
Suppressing feelings in order to maintain peace will result in a mediocre life. Most terminal patients confess they compromised on their desires instead of exposing themselves to conflict or vulnerability. Ware relates, “Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. never became who they were truly capable of becoming.”
It’s not just about romantic love friendships, family ties, and even saying sorry can be life-changing. Julie McFadden, another hospice nurse, points out that regrets often center on “not saying sorry when they should have, not reconnecting sooner to their estranged sister, or caring too much about what people thought.” The advice? Express your feelings and nurture your relationships before it’s too late.
4. Forgetting About Health and Taking the Current for Granted
One of the most underappreciated regrets is failing to be thankful for health until it disappears. McFadden shares, “They didn’t understand how lucky they were to have a healthy body. That’s the No. 1 thing I hear.”
Sustaining pleasures taking walks, savoring food, basking in the sun may be priceless when time is limited. Gratitude experts suggest it’s a daily practice to appreciate small pleasures. As end-of-life expert Alua Arthur advises, “How cool is it that I can feel cold on my hands?.” Appreciate your health and senses today, not only when they’re threatened.
5. Criticizing Yourself Too Critically and Denying Self-Love
Most damaging of all perhaps is relentless self-criticism. Most people at the end of their lives regret not having been kinder to themselves. Suzanne B. O’Brien, RN, invites her patients to go back over their regrets with compassion, and ask themselves, “Given where you were and what you were struggling with, were you doing the best you could?” The reply is invariably yes.
Life is hard, and hindsight is cruel. Forgive yourself is an act of rebellion that heals. Through learning to view their decisions with compassion, patients experience peace and acceptance. Self-love is not a buzzword it is a door to a life free of regrets.
6. Losing Touch With Friends and Community
Friendships tend to slip away imperceptibly, to be cherished deeply only when they are lost at the end. Ware observes, “Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down.”
The hustle and bustle of everyday life can make it simple to overlook relationships that once filled you with joy and strength. But in the last few weeks, it’s love and relationships rather than money or fame that are most important. Call, reach out, and hold on to your friendships while you can.
7. Not Letting Yourself Be Happier
Happiness, as it happens, is generally a matter of choice and one put off by many. Ware discovered, “Many did not until the end know that happiness is a choice. They had remained trapped in old habits and routines.when deep inside themselves, they yearned to laugh properly and silliness in their life again.”
Fear of change and concern for others’ opinions can keep us from embracing joy. The dying wish they’d let themselves be happier so why not start today? Let go, smile, and choose happiness before you’re forced to realize its value too late.
The insights that are shared by those who are near the end of their life aren’t intended to frighten you’re intended to empower. These regrets are not predestined. They are each a kind reminder to live more courageously, to love more intensely, and to appreciate all moments of the ordinary. Internalize these teachings, and you may find yourself living with fewer regrets and so much more joy.
