Being gay and young isn’t always the never-ending rager Instagram promotes it to be. Instead, most gay young men struggle with issues of identity, relationships, and health that aren’t addressed in any school curriculum. The silver lining? Older gay men have been there, done that, and are here to give the tea on what they wish they’d realized earlier. Their stories aren’t simply about living through they’re about thriving, loving loudly, and living true. From sex positivity to smart money moves, these hard-learned lessons are the ultimate cheat sheet for living a life that’s unapologetically yours. Here’s what all young gay men should know, straight from those who’ve been there, done that, and have the receipts to prove it.
1. Love Your Whole Self Not Just Your Sexuality
Gay is only a small aspect of who you are, not your personality. As another Reddit user put it, “Being gay is only a small part of who you are, not a personality in and of itself.” Whether you’re campy, masculine, or something in between, being you is your superpower. Shine your interests, quirks, and passions don’t shrink yourself to fit a hashtag or a stereotype. Life only gets better when you are unapologetically yourself, and not the social media version of yourself. As DK explained to Queerty, “Life is too short to spend time hiding your true self or trying to live up to the expectations of others.”
2. Sex Positivity: Know Your Body, Own Your Pleasure
Ditch what you learned (or didn’t learn) in health class. Real sex ed for gay men = figuring out what feels good, getting to know your body, and losing shame. Andy Duran, queer sex expert, explained to Healthline, “Our partners are best able to pleasure us when we can tell them how to pleasure us.” That is, getting to know your own body body mapping, masturbation, and honest talk about what gets you off. Safer sex is so much more than condoms: find out about PrEP, get tested regularly, and don’t be shy about asking for what you want. Dominic Davies recommends, “Don’t be shy to tell sex partners what you enjoy doing in bed, or to ask for the sex you desire.” You and your pleasure and safety are worth fighting for each time.
3. Communication and Consent Are Everything
Sexual intimacy and healthy relationships begin with good, open communication. Consent is not a box to check it’s dialogue. As Healthline states, “Sexual consent is the ongoing, enthusiastic agreement to engage in a sexual act that’s given before it happens.” This is about checking in prior to, during, and after any intimate encounter, and communicating in a way that feels pleasurable for all parties. Don’t rely on assumed consent verbal consent is best. For more intimate connections, have open discussions around boundaries, wants, and safer sex habits. And if you don’t know where to begin, there are incredible tools to assist you in discovering your voice.
5. Take Care of Your Health Inside and Out
Sexual health is embodied self-love. Condoms, PrEP, STI testing on a regular basis, and immunizations (such as HPV and hepatitis) are your BFFs. The NHS reminds us, “If you’re a man having sex with men (MSM), without condoms and with someone new, you should have an STI and HIV test every 3 months.” STIs may not always present with symptoms, so regular check-ups are essential. And don’t forget: washing up after sex, not sharing toys, and using barriers when oral and anal play are on the agenda can all stop a whole range of infections. Prioritizing your health means you’re ready for all the adventures ahead.
6. Build Real Connections Friendships Matter
Romance is great, but friendships are the backbone of a joyful life. Dominic Davies writes, “When you’re dating, don’t forget to hold onto your close friendships. Friends tend to survive long after romantic relationships do. But they also need to be maintained and nurtured.” Invest in your chosen family those who’ll rally for you, call you out, and lift you up when the going gets tough. Intergenerational relationships and mentorships can be particularly potent. As Jeff Levy told Queerty, “I’d encourage younger gay men to reach out to older gay men and to ask questions about their life experiences and relationships.” These bonds offer support, wisdom, and a sense of belonging that goes way beyond the dating scene.
7. Don’t Rush Your Journey Is Yours Alone
There’s no deadline for coming out, finding love, or achieving your goals. As another Reddit user said, “Life isn’t a race. Only you know when the right time is to come out.” It’s fine that you don’t marry the first person you date, or that your journey is different from your friends’. Growth is individual, and comparison is the thief of joy. Michael Dale Kimmel reminds us, “Love is different when you’re in your twenties, it’s supposed to be an adventure; you’re meant to love lots of people in many ways.” Savor the journey, take your time, and know that you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be.
8. Financial Wellness: Start Early, Stress Less Later
Money isn’t sexy, but financial security is. Ken Howard, LCSW, says, “Get a 401(k). Borrrrrring, right? In 25 years, you’re going to thank me.” Even small savings now can mean big freedom later. Budget wisely cover your needs, enjoy your wants, and stash some away for the future. Avoid credit card debt, and don’t be afraid to ask for help or seek out resources. Financial independence is liberating, allowing you more options as you create the life you desire.
9. Don’t Be a People Pleaser Set Boundaries
Too many gay men learn to people-please when growing up, but becoming a doormat will not earn you the acceptance you seek. As one Redditor put it, “You can be kind and gentle as a person without being a people pleaser. Leave the submissive crap in the bedroom.” Establishing boundaries is a matter of self-respect. Speak up when something doesn’t feel right, and remember: it’s okay to say no. The people who matter will respect your boundaries and those who don’t aren’t worth your time.
10. Take care of Mental Health and Be Kind to Yourself
Being gay can come with unique stressors internalized shame, loneliness, or anxiety. But you’re not alone, and there’s no shame in seeking support. As one wise voice on Reddit put it, “Be kinder to yourself and stop harshly judging your peers.” Therapy, support groups, or even just honest conversations with friends can make a world of difference. Celebrate your wins, forgive your mistakes, and practice gratitude. Your psychological health is as vital as your bodily health.
11. Learn from Every Generation Community Is Strength
Each gay generation has battled oppression in its own way, and there’s so much to be learned. Matthew Hodson explained to Queerty, “We address our issues better when we learn from the generations that preceded us.” Pay respects to the activists, allies, and pioneers who paved the way for today’s freedom. Stand with others of different races, genders, and identities and you’ll discover the community standing with you right back. Solidarity is our ace card.
12. Explore Love and Relationships on Your Terms
There is no one-size-fits-all relationship. If you’re a monogamist, poly, or something in between, honesty is the best policy. Dominic Davies advises, “Make sure you get the relationship you want. The great thing about being gay is that we don’t feel like we have to have a relationship like our parents.” Discuss your needs, negotiate boundaries, and don’t accept anything less than respect and happiness. Love should be a partnership, not an act.
13. Stay Curious, Keep Growing and Learning
Being gay or falling in love isn’t the culmination of your life. As a Redditor so aptly put it, “Deciding you are gay does not mark the end to life’s important questions. Keep thinking, keep learning, keep questioning, keep growing.” Read, travel, experiment, and remain receptive to life’s possibilities. There is so much out there don’t get complacent just because you’ve ticked off a few squares.
14. Embrace Your Insecurities, They’re Someone’s Turn-On
Perfection is not necessary. As one Redditor said, “Your insecurities are someone else’s turn-on. You’re not perfect. Embrace it.” The things that worry you the most are usually the things that make you the most uniquely appealing. Confidence isn’t about not having flaws it’s about loving yourself, quirks and all. Own your narrative, and shine your light.
No one has it all figured out, but the insight of those who’ve come before can help make the journey a bit easier. The most valuable lesson? You are deserving of love, pleasure, and happiness just the way you are. Continue to grow, continue to love, and never forget your story is only just beginning.
