“They can’t say, ‘I matter,’ and ‘I have needs’ because it feels narcissistic,” therapist Wendy Behary once described of many adult children of narcissists. That one sentence encapsulates the sneaky, tangled pain of having grown up with a parent whose love was contingent, whose anger ruled the household weather, and whose needs always preceded everyone else’s.
For some, the revelation is not until much later after therapy, perhaps after having children of their own. Suddenly, it all clicks: the people-pleasing, the see-saw self-image, the sense that boundaries are a language that is foreign to them.
Despite the fact that less than one percent of the overall population suffer from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), their impact on family members is daunting. Based on recommendations from such experts as Behary and psychologist Craig Malkin, as well as my own experience, here are some of the obvious signs you were raised by a narcissistic parent and how to begin reclaiming your own sense of self.
1. You Find It Hard to State Your Needs
The children with narcissism learn that they don’t matter or that they are selfish. They become chronic people-pleasers, going out of their way to be perceived as not selfish. Some develop literally an inability to make up their minds about what they want because they’ve learned to put other people first.
Behary goes on to say that it can place individuals in danger of being “trampled upon” later in life. Clients report feeling “sick, crazy, or selfish” for having even simple needs. The fix? Learning about narcissism and identifying old, dysfunctional messages so you can call them out. Techniques, small, little-by-little, learning small, simple statements about your needs can re-build self-trust over time.
2. You Fear Becoming Like Them
Not every child of a narcissist becomes a people-pleaser. Some, particularly tough or sociable children, may have survived by copying the narcissistic parent’s actions demeaning others, monopolizing conversation, or not being transparent. These traits ruin relationships and continue the cycle into adulthood.
Malkin’s thesis is not merely that change can occur, but rather that it must: “They need to become comfortable feeling and expressing vulnerable feelings like sadness, loneliness, fear, and overwhelm with those they love.” Individual therapy from a specialist in narcissistic abuse recovery is one means of bartering defensiveness for real connection.
3. Sibling Relationships Were a Minefield
Narcissistic parents usually give strict roles: the golden child, praised but intensely stressed, and the scapegoat, blamed for everything and denied approval. The roles can change suddenly, putting siblings in competition with no collaboration.
As Malkin puts it, “Extremely narcissistic people love putting others up on pedestals almost as much as they enjoy knocking them down.” Recovery can involve confronting siblings with compassion, understanding the competition was manufactured, and determining together if a better relationship is possible.
4. You Played the Role of Emotional Caretaker
Others of these parents demand to receive attention by being victimized or through the creation of crises. Their children are made into the “parent” of the relationship calming moods, navigating drama, and putting their own needs on the backburner.
Behary invites clients to retrieve the “young child that’s still inside you” by recognizing unmet needs and confirming their reality. Browsing through old childhood photos or writing a letter to your inner child can be effective ways to re-wiring into receiving the care you were owed.
5. Your Worth Feels Tied to Achievement
If the only occasion on which praise was forthcoming was after achievement a test A, a trophy, a promotion then it is easy to develop the attitude that productivity equals worth. Workaholism, burnout, or obligation-driven inability to unwind are all consequences.
Behary recommends attempting to comprehend, rather than excuse, where your parent learned to behave in such a manner. The majority of narcissists are themselves stuck in survival techniques learned in difficult early lives. Empathy is not to say that you condone abuse, but it may unhook their story from your self-esteem.
6. You Lack a Clear Sense of Self
Narcissistic parents tend to use children as extensions of themselves and direct them into career, relational, or lifestyle paths that bring honor to the parent. As adults, survivors say, “I never really knew what I wanted.”
In the worst situations particularly if abuse, denial, or psychopathy is present experts such as Malkin suggest becoming no-contact or low to ensure your own well-being. Abuse is “100 percent” the fault of the abuser, and until they improve, things aren’t safe.
7. Boundaries Feel Unnatural or Dangeorus
As a child, boundaries might have resulted in punishment, teasing, or withdrawal. Boundaries can thus be threatening, even selfish, as an adult. Necessary boundaries, however, are necessary to heal.
Elizabeth Keohan, a licensed clinical social worker, suggests being straightforward and consistent: delineate boundaries, explain consequences, and hold them to account. If that feels overwhelming, start with small boundaries in healthy relationships to become brave enough to tackle difficult ones.
Identifying these patterns isn’t blame it’s labeling. Once you can recognize the ways in which you were influenced by narcissistic parenting, you can begin making new choices. Healing will likely mean therapy, healthy relationships, and a whole lot of self-compassion. And although you can’t undo your childhood, you can most certainly write the rest of the book with your needs, your voice, and your value in mind.
