But stonewalling is more than just a nuisance; it’s actually one of the surest signs that a marriage will end in divorce. After decades of studying couples, relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman learned that habitual stonewalling joins criticism, contempt, and defensiveness as one of the infamous “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse” to relationships. If unchecked, it erodes trust, fuels resentment, and creates emotional distance that’s hard to repair.
The tricky part? Stonewalling doesn’t always look like slamming doors or the silent treatment. It’s often subdued: changing the subject, avoiding eye contact, retreating into busyness. When feelings get heated, it can be a mechanism of self-protection, but repeated withdrawal leaves partners feeling unseen and unheard. The good news: experts agree it’s a habit you can break. Here’s how therapists say you can stop stonewalling from quietly sabotaging your marriage.
1. Keep Conflict Focused on One Topic
According to therapist Vikki Stark, most stonewallers shut down when they are being bombarded and feel there is too much coming at them at one time. Once a conversation starts to spiral into “and another thing…,” the overwhelmed partner retreats. The fix stick to one issue at a time, making it easier for the stonewalling partner to stay engaged and more likely to revisit the topic later without feeling ambushed.
2. Catch the Physical Cues Before You Break Down
According to Chicago-based therapist Danielle Kepler, stonewalling is usually accompanied by some telltale physiological cues: a racing heart, shallow breathing, or even just turning away with a sigh. When recognized in time, couples can take a time-out before the wall goes up. Talking openly about such signs helps the partners recognize when a break is needed to avoid emotional flooding.
3. Give Your Partner the Benefit of the Doubt
Marriage therapist Aaron Anderson says that stonewalling can often be the result of the belief that a partner won’t listen or change. Instead of bottling up frustration, remember what brought the two of you together in the first place-be it humor, generosity, or reliability-and say what you’d like improved. That gives the relationship a chance to course-correct before resentment builds.
4. Learning How to Self-Soothe During Heated Moments
When emotions are peaking, problem-solving in the brain hits a nadir. Portland couples therapist Kari Carroll suggests taking deep breaths, taking a short walk, or otherwise doing something calming-without ruminating about what you will say next. This physical reset makes for a calmer, more conducive conversation later.
5. Schedule Tough Talks When You’re Both Rested
Dallas-based therapist Deborah Holt says stonewalling is triggered by fatigue and tension. Make sure timing and venue for intimate conversations allow for both partners to talk freely, and set the atmosphere for listening and understanding by saying so explicitly to your partner. A quiet area away from distractions allows both partners to be present and attentive.
6. Address Past Dismissals Directly
If efforts at opening-up have been rebuffed in the past, let it be known. Name the pattern, says Anderson, and tell your partner their lack of consideration is making you withdraw. Naming the pattern opens an avenue for them to respond differently and rebuild trust in your communication.
7. Use Agreed-Upon Cues to Stop Arguments
The Gottman Institute suggests that couples establish some neutrally recognized signal-that you’re holding up your hand, say, or using a certain phrase-meant to indicate that you feel overwhelmed. This gives you a respectful break without further escalating the conflict, as long as you both agree to revisit the conversation within 24 hours.
8. Distinguish Between Overwhelm and Control
According to Dr. Jody Russon, stonewalling can be either an automatic coping mechanism or an intentional method of control and punishment. Which could make all the difference: emotional overwhelm requires empathy and skill-building, while manipulative stonewalling may require firmer boundaries or perhaps professional help.
9. Develop a Daily Ritual of Emotional Connection
Drs. John and Julie Gottman recommend a ritual called “Stress-Reducing Conversation”-15-20 minutes per day in which partners share about external stressors, not relationship conflicts. The listener’s role is to validate feelings, not to solve problems. Eventually, this practice strengthens trust and clears the way to work through tough issues without retreating. Stonewalling depends upon silence to gain ground. In contrast, when couples make room for peaceful, respectful communication, stonewalling loses its grip.
This might be learning to recognize your shutdown signals, to agree upon a pause button, or to steal moments of connection into each and every day. Such strategies chip away at the walls before those walls become insurmountable. The sooner you intervene in the pattern, the more likely you are to save a marriage that is strong, connected, and resilient.
