There is nothing like speaking to someone who has just lost a loved one as it puts a lot of stress on the person you are talking to. Within such pressure, individuals tend to turn to lines that are familiar, which are supposed to consoling, clarifying, or cheering up.
But sorrow cannot be a discussable problem. Numerous platitudes serve to diminish the truth of the mourner, to shift the focus to the comfort of the speaker, or to suggest that the grieved individual has his work to do, and must always remain cheerful, to progress, to hold others in suspense.
Not all the losses are bereaved with grief but trauma is involved as well, particularly, in the situation when a death is sudden and overwhelming; the clinicians refer to the traumatic grief as a sense-losing event, a falling into a chasm of despair. During such times, words that rush faster than the suffering have the potential of coming in as abandonment instead of support.
1. There is a reason why everything happens
This line attempts to give meaning to a death before the grieving person has even been able to take in what has happened. It can sound like a request to accept the loss quickly or to interpret devastation as a lesson. Grievers often need company in the truth that the loss is real, not a philosophy that makes it feel tidy.
2. At least they were long lived
Attachment is not a subject to age. In case of calculation of grief, a subtle message is conveyed to the bereaved person: this is not supposed to be hurting. The pain is defined by many people by the bond not a number of years that a person lived.
3. “They’re in a better place”
Spiritual framing has the ability to feel comforting to some grieving individuals, yet it will also make assumptions of beliefs that the person who is grieving does not hold-or cannot know at this period. The better place may seem agonizingly out of place even to religious individuals whose immediate reality is separation. What is of more frequently assuaging use is to name the absence, without attempting to repaint it.
4. “I know exactly how you feel”
Grief is subjective: the relationship, the situation, the sense of the loss hardly fits between the stories of anyone. This expression can change the focus of the moment to be on the bereaved individual to the history of the person that speaks. Self-blame and isolation are pitfalls in the work of clinical grief; both can be enhanced through comparison.
5. “Time heals all wounds”
Grief may turn into time, yet is not necessarily mended. According to research and clinical observation, certain individuals still experience severe and chronic grief many years after the death of the loved one even two years after a loss. This platitude may, when given prematurely, have the ring of a pledge the bereaved is supposed to make- instead of a realization that grieving is generally a process that will need encouragement, working through and time spent deliberately.
6. “Stay strong”
Power is commonly equated with silence. When a person is informed to be strong, the bereaved party can be compelled to take care of the discomfort of all other people by crying or acting normal. Grief must have room to move; when it is suppressed it will tend to delay it and therefore increase fatigue.
7. “You need to move on”
This message establishes a course of time in which there is no time. It is an issue of concern to many grievers that going on is leaving the loved one alone; some practitioners observe that in some cases of bereavement, such as the loss of a child, the bereaver might not even wish to get over the loss since it may seem like the second desertion. An improved position acknowledges that bereavement develops without having the bereaved person cut love.
8. At least, they are not suffering anymore
Sympathy to the dead may exist alongside grief to the living, yet this expression has the effect of marginalizing the suffering of the survivor. It is also capable of being guilt provoking, in particular when the bereaved individual secretly wants another day, however uncomfortable. The bereavement is no discussion of who suffers the most.
9. You can get another child anyways or you are young enough to get remarried
The language of replacement is deplorable since it ends by considering an individual as replaceable. A child is no concept; a spouse is not a position to occupy. When a grieving party listens to this, the subtext may be that the relationship was readily replaceable- and that what they are feeling at that moment is too much.
10. Just tell me in case there is something you need
It can be generous, but the bereaved individual is left to cope with the entire process of need identification and reaching out and even the possibility of being perceived as a liability. Traumatic grief may leave people feeling overwhelmed, numb or disorganized; even simple things may turn challenging. Practical support is better provided as specific and time-bound, without pressurizing.
Grief-friendly language is less inclined to do things: it identifies the loss, stays in touch with the reality of the mourner, and does not impose meaning, optimism, and timeframes on him or her. Finally, the conversations that tend to be most supportive, however, are those that provide permission, permission to cry, permission to remember, permission to be angry, permission to be quite and permission to continue loving the deceased person who has not chosen how that love currently appears.
