That initial push-the-pedal experience when an A-student kid cries over an A-minus, most parents get that stomach drop was it the grade, or something more? For high-achieving families, the praise vs. pressure line can blur in an instant. And though more lessons, star teams, and jammed calendars may look like the key to it all, studies say they can fuel burnout and shaky self-esteem as well.
Six years covering hundreds of successful young adults as a journalist, Jennifer Breheny Wallace learned one thing they had in common: that their confidence was neither based on grades nor trophies but on a profound understanding of themselves as being important for who they were. Psychologists refer to this as unconditional regard; Wallace refers to it as a “mattering mindset.”
It’s the very opposite of what psychologists have declared increasingly an epidemic of performance-based self-esteem.Here’s how moms and dads can make that attitude work supported by new science, real-life stories, and winning strategies long after report cards are stuffed in a corner.
1. Be an Expert on Your Child
Wallace encourages parents to “get a PhD in your child” not in schoolwork, but in their idiosyncrasies, their interests, and their silent struggles. It’s not about monitoring each step; it’s about recognizing what ignites them and what douses the flames. Children who feel deeply understood are more apt to take healthy risks and bounce back when they fail.
In a longitudinal study of 587 German adolescents in 2023, researchers identified that teenagers with optimal-secure self-esteem also reported feeling profoundly known by caregivers. That feeling of being known triggers resilience much more than ongoing correction or comparison.
2. Make Their Worth Non-Negotiable
When a child’s worth is contingent, even minor errors destroy their self-perception. Over half of Wallace’s survey students assumed parents’ love was conditional upon performance a dynamic psychologists refer to as conditional regard.
One mom’s go-to reminder? She puts a $20 bill on the table, crumpled it up, soaked it in water, and asks, “What’s it worth now?” The response remains the same just like the worth of her child, regardless of score or outcome. It’s an easy, tangible way to plant unconditional love in a child’s mind.
3. Swap Anger for Curiosity
If grades slump or motivation wavers, rage can blow away trust. Rather, Wallace recommends speak why: Is the disparity in learning? A disparity in social class? A clash of pedagogy? Barriers are typically symptoms, not character flaws.
This aligns with a study where talented children prone to burnout withdrew when they felt powerless or misconstrued. Curiosity maintains the parent-child relationship and promotes cooperation between both in creating and solving problems.
4. Hail Their Ripple Effect
High achievers tunnel in on personal accomplishments. Wallace suggests that they should celebrate the times that their actions make another person’s day a little brighter being kind to a brother, assistance to a peer, or an act of kindness to a stranger.
Why it works: During the German self-esteem study, adolescents with secure self-worth rated higher on life satisfaction and self-generosity. Looking at their good deed diverts attention from “What did I get?” and instead toward “Who did I help?” a mindset that inspires motivation without burnout.
5. Let Your Face Light Up
In the rush to prepare kids for the future, it’s easy to forget to show joy in simply being their parent. Wallace advises making sure your expression says, “I’m glad you’re here,” at least once a day especially on their worst days.
That love, regardless of accomplishment, further supports the promise they are loved for being, not doing. It intrudes upon time and helps prevent pre-empting self-blame and anxiety tied to low-insecure self-esteem types.
6. Guard Against Conditional Praise
All praise is not equal. The newest studies on parental academic conditional regard indicate that even ostensibly positive boosts such as more affection following good grades only are actually built to form shaky, conditional self-esteem. The children in the “only positive conditional regard” category seemed motivated, but were insecure and easily shaken in their sense of self-worth.
Instead, praise effort, imagination, and persistence in language that isn’t tied to winning or perfection. This supports intrinsic motivation and a more robust self-concept.
7. Create Breaks and Balance
Burnout isn’t just an adult phenomenon. Children exhibit symptoms too, including school cynicism, withdrawal from an activity that was once enjoyed, and somatic complaints such as headaches. Experts at the Davidson Institute suggest incorporating non-academic activities playing sports for enjoyment, creative pursuits, even just unstructured downtime to reload.
Flexibility is balance, too. Routine creates predictability, but over-scheduling defeats self-management. Allowing kids some control over how they use some of their time generates ownership and safeguards against the chronic stress that wears away performance and enjoyment.
It’s not about straight As it’s about developing a self that can weather adversity without shattering. By refocusing attention from constant performance to unbreakable value, parents can facilitate children in building the kind of confidence that will endure long after the grades climb and fall. The grades will peak and trough, but the belief that they do matter period will carry them farther than any gold star.
